So sure

I was so sure I knew what I was having. SO sure. Remember when I was pregnant with J and I KNEW it was a boy from pretty much day 1? That kind of sure. And when you get it right once, I guess you get a little cocky.

We had our ultrasound yesterday. Once again, it came really fast, and I couldn't believe it was already time to "find out." Mostly I was concerned that everything look good--measurements normal, no visible problems, placenta in the right place this time... But I was also anxious to have my "knowledge" confirmed: that I was having a girl this time.

I had a real doctor doing the U/S this time, which was comforting (especially since a tech got one of mine wrong last time. Remember?). She scanned the body parts--the brain, the spine, the limbs, the placenta. Assured me everything was fine (RELIEF! JOY!) And before she had even really looked down there, she looked at me (Hi, doctor, I'm having a girl!) and said,

"This is a boy, you know."
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I was actually OK not finding out this time. I have ALWAYS been one of those people who think you are CA-RAZY for not finding out, but for some reason, I was willing to forego this part; be surprised. But Mike really wanted to, and so I easily gave in.

It was only a few days ago that I started thinking, "What if it's NOT a girl? Am I prepared? How will I feel? Do I PREFER a girl?"

I didn't really address any of those questions fully. 'Cause I was just. that. sure.

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In that moment, when the doctor (M.D. Meaning I can trust her.) told me that, then SHOWED me that, I had a lot of tiny moments of emotion, all smooshed together.

Shock, being foremost.

Relief, since I didn't have to learn/buy everything all over.

And if I'm being honest? Just a teeny bit of disappointment.


I've thought many times during this pregnancy that this might be "it" for me. We're not terribly young, and I'm not really a large family kind of mom (I think it's healthy to know that about oneself). I know my emotional limits. I do not have anything to prove, and my priority is being able to give my kids what they need me to give. I'm not sure I can do that with more than two.

But. I also wanted the chance to raise a boy...and a girl. I wanted the experience of both kinds. I think most of us want that, no? But we don't get to choose, do we? I have a sister with 3 boys, a sister with 4 boys, a sister who had 4 girls before her 2 boys. Hello? I come from a family of 7 girls. Talk about not being able to even ride the odds, let alone choose what you get.

But I don't think I want to live in a world where you do get to choose. This is one of those things that I think (hope?) teaches you what you need to learn. I'm not sure I would choose right for myself if I had the chance.

I sort of wanted a girl when I was pregant with J. But as soon as I saw him, all thoughts of my would-be daughter were gone, meaningless, seemed ridiculous. Then why did I do it to myself again? I could focus on what I'm missing--the "drama" everyone talks about with raising girls. The avoidance (hopefully) of all the angst girls go through in adolescence, teenage years. All the worries that are singular and unique to raising a girl.

But what I wanted (and I guess what I've always wanted) was the chance to teach my girl that she can be anything she wants to be. She can be strong, self-assured, capable, independent. She can be smart and not be ashamed of it. She can be a mom, a lawyer, a teacher, a writer. She can be all of those.

I know, I can still teach those things to my boys, and I plan to. But it's a little different for girls, isn't it? I know, I was one. And I'm not sure I knew all those things.

Who knows what my future in childbearing holds. Heaven knows it's all been pretty unexpected up 'til now. I am so happy at the prospect of two beautiful, healthy boys. I hope they will be great friends, and come to rely on each other the way that only brothers can. I'm going to spend the next 4 1/2 months focusing on that, and on the many many great things that little boys offer. Also on the fact that I won't have to buy a stitch of clothing, at least for a while (hooray for that!).

But today, I'm allowing myself to be honest. I know I'm not the only one who has felt that twinge, and then felt guilty for feeling it. Upon hearing the news, a very sweet (male!) friend called me yesterday to tell me he knew what I was feeling. I didn't even want to admit it until that point. But there it was: a shared experience.

As for this surprisingly male baby in my belly, I know once I see him (and likely well before), all of this will be moot anyway. Of course he is going to be what's just right for us right now.