Back in the game

Well, I'm working again. I couldn't afford to take much time off (or any at all, but I digress). I'm only working half-time (9 hours for me) for the next 6 weeks, then back to my full hours after that.

Which leads me to this point: So many things are different about having a second child.

The sleep thing I mentioned (IE not as hard to deal with).

Going back to work being not nearly as heartbreaking.

They can cry and it's not the end of the world.

Things kid-related just aren't as stressful.

I may write more about this later, but one of the many hard things that happened to me shortly after the birth was a terrifying, massive panic attack. Wow, it was awful. Have you ever had one? If yes, I'M SO SORRY. I hadn't. It was arguably the worst I've ever felt, emotionally. Possibly physically. It lasted for several hours and required a return visit to the hospital to figure out what was going on.

So yeah, it was awful, and it turned out to be a post-traumatic response to the birth itself. But I remember thinking somehow, in the midst of it, that I did not have the luxury of feeling down about little things anymore. I remember thinking that yes, it might be hard to juggle two kids and life in a small apartment, and all that, but that I did NOT want to become one of those people who couldn't appreciate what they had. I was able to tell myself, through the fog of panic, that if I ever got out of it, I would never take for granted the beautiful blessings I had--my two precious boys, my husband who saw me through all the craziness. Feeling normal never felt like such an elusive gift.

My mind was a scramble, but I was able to be clear about one thing--I had a family I needed to be there for. I was lucky to have them. And I couldn't be crazy, because I needed to take care of them. (Yes, I did genuinely fear I was going crazy).

So perhaps part of feeling so much better and not too overwhelmed NOW is that I saw, for a second, how bad bad really feels. And I mean BAD.

I learned something. But I'm not willing to say I'm grateful for the experience. At least, not yet.

I had a great doctor's appointment today. One thing that has always been important to me is understanding what is going on with my body. If something is wrong or requires medical treatment, I want to know the science behind why it's happening, how it will be treated, how it can be avoided in the future.

So me having two crazy births involving faulty placentas? I want to know why that happened. In fact, I NEED to know. So today, as I was talking to a new doctor at the local family practice (I kinda love that place, let me know if you want to know where I'm talking about), he said, without me asking,

"Maybe we can schedule an appointment where you can sit down with some childbirth specialists and try to better understand why these things happened to your body, and whether there's an underlying issue." It was kind of an answer to my prayers.

So I'm grateful for that.

And at this point, with all the med bills I've racked up (seriously, STAGGERING. worst ever. trying hard not to think about it), and my very high deductible and out-of-pocket maximum reached, why not seek out all the medical advice I can?!

(P.S. I also got an EKG and a blood workup today because WHY NOT?!!)

come visit me in the poorhouse,

turleybenson