Not knowing where to begin

My last day being pregnant. Maybe ever.

That's the main reason I haven't written--not knowing where to begin. Well, that and the fact that my life has often felt barely manageable over the past 3 weeks, so blogging has been last on my priority list.

I'll start here:

The last thing I wanted out of this birth was a war story.

And that is exactly what I got.

I don't know how much I want to share, or how much I still need to process, but giving birth was the hardest physical thing I've ever done. By a factor of a thousand. It was one of those long, hard labors you hear about. You just never know what you're going to get.

But it wasn't so much the labor that was unmanageable (obviously, I managed somehow, though I'm amazed I did), but what has happened since.

Yes, I avoided a hospital birth. But today I'll be going in to the hospital for the fourth time since Baby G was born. That's right, the fourth. I'm getting surgery on my perineum for the third time. Will you pray this is the last? I'd appreciate it.

So obviously, I tore really badly. That is one factor in this nightmare equation.

Another is that shortly after G was born, his placenta ruptured (for those counting, that makes 2 ruptured placentas for me. What the crap.), which caused me to hemorrhage, which required a 911 call, and 2 blood transfusions.

Please note that every part of my nightmare represents the exception to the norm. These things do not usually happen. They just happen to me.

Enough bad news for now. I'll share more later, in pieces, I suppose. The enormous upside is that Baby G is a sweet, cuddly, lovable little guy and we are so happy he has joined our family. He was never in danger, he has always been healthy and well. Thank heaven.

I am trying to figure out how to have 2 kids instead of just one and finding it a bit overwhelming at times, particularly with all the hospital visits and healing that needs to happen. Thankfully, my mom is here and has been for 2 weeks and will be for one more. She has been a lifesaver. LIFE SAVER. Along with a whole army of angelic friends who have taken J in, brought meals, and shown their love in a hundred ways. What would we have done without all that help? I can't even imagine.

One day I will dedicate a whole post to them.

To anyone who has called, texted, emailed, Facebooked: thank you so much for your concern. I know I haven't responded to the vast majority of you. I was in a really dark place the week after the birth, trying to digest everything that happened. I spoke to no one except Mike for several days. There are whole chunks of time that I don't even remember. I feel dramatically better now, but I am still having bad days. It's been hard, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

I've decided I have such awful births because I get such sweet babies.

Thank goodness for these little guys, making it all worth it in the end.