The home birth, part 2

I wandered from the bedroom, to the shower, to the bathroom, to the living room to deal with the labor. I have to say, that was a huge benefit to being at home. I could move, try different things, not be confined to one location.

You remember when Katie Holmes had her baby and everyone was talking about the "silent birth" philosophy in whatever their religion is?

I think I had one of those.

I was very, very quiet. I think I spoke 3 or 4 times, other than directing Mike when to push on my back. I didn't complain, I didn't make sounds. (I'm willing to bet most people actually labor this way--just one more way TV has it all wrong.)

And remember when I wrote that post about how I wasn't brave?

Scratch that. If I may say so, I was kind of a warrior.

It's interesting when there's no medication available. You just don't have that option, so there's no point thinking about it. You know that the only way past it is through it. These lines from my favorite poem kept coming to me:

I have given my word and will to bring this child.

It was so, so hard. But I never doubted I could do it. I knew I had signed up for this, and I just had to get through.

In the late afternoon I started feeling like I wanted to push. The midwife checked me, I was at a 7. She said when I got the real urge, I would know it. And she was right.

I got in the tub and couldn't possibly have controlled that urge. It was just there. I thought that finally being able to give in to the pushing would be a relief. As it turned out, this was by far the hardest, and darkest part of the experience for me.

I pushed. A lot. I really don't want to scare anyone who hasn't given birth about this, because everyone's body is different. But my body did not react well to the pushing phase. It was more than the fact that I was in it for 3-4 hours... but I'll just say that much.

This was the only time I cried. Mike got in the tub with me, hoping to give some support. Finally, and all at once, the baby came out. I scooped him out of the water, and he cried immediately. That was at 7:23 Wednesday night.

I don't remember it, but apparently I then said some of my only words:

That was brutal.

We held our slippery little boy for several minutes in the tub. I couldn't fathom that it was finally over, that our little baby was out, and perfect, and with us.

At this point, the scary things started happening--realizing how bad the tear was, and that I was hemorrhaging. Being too weak to hold my new baby.

I ended up at the hospital that night, and for 3 more days. They gave me a blood transfusion first, then wheeled me in for surgery, when I finally got to sleep. I was about 10 steps beyond exhausted. They told me I even snored.

There are a lot of things that are troubling about the last several hours before I went to the hospital; things that were not of my doing. Things that make me question a lot.

I'm so grateful that my baby and I are fine today. I'm grateful I had the right to choose to have him at home. I'm grateful for everyone who gave me good care, and didn't judge me for my decision. It took a village to get us all back on our feet.

If I had delivered this baby in a hospital there is 100% no way I would have avoided a C-section. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but it is a fact. I wanted the experience of a natural childbirth, and boy I got it. The good and the bad. And some extra complication tossed in because, hey, this is me after all.

I'm sad that I didn't have the right to choose what I really wanted--a birth center birth. That was far and away my first choice. I still probably would have had some of the same complications, but the hospital would have been right next door, so I would have been in less danger.

As for my advice on home birth? Do your research. Ask a lot of questions. Find someone with a proven record who you trust. Accept that things might not go the way you want. My personal opinion is that if you've had a vaginal birth that went smoothly, you are the best candidate for a home birth the second time. I'm not sure I'd recommend it for a first labor.

But above all, my opinion is that we all retain the right to choose.

(And between you and me? There is absolutely 100% no way I wouldn't have gotten that epidural.)

Just sayin'. :)