Come what may

I've been thinking a lot about expectations lately.

And how utterly, totally useless they are.

For instance, I expected to have a smooth delivery and a quick recovery. I did not.

I expected to have a hard time adjusting to having two kids. I did not.

In the one case, things were far worse than I anticipated, and in the other, far better. So what was the point in having any anticipation at all? Not a whole lot, in my opinion. On a smaller scale, some nights I can't sleep at all, and am SURE I will be exhausted the next day. I spend energy worrying about how hard it will be to stay awake...and then it's not. (The reverse is also often true--lots of sleep, then unexpectedly dragging all day long.)

It seems to me that I have no freakin' idea how things are going to turn out. And the great part of that is that they are often far better than I expected.

So I'm starting a new approach: letting go of my expectations. The good AND ESPECIALLY the bad. Because worry is useless and disappointment is a waste of time.

I'm at a very interesting moment in my life where I am simultaneously dealing with intense disappointment over my traumatic birth experience (which includes the delivery and all the complications thereafter), while being overwhelmed by how smooth my transition to a mother of 2 has been, and feeling daily how abundantly blessed I am to have TWO! BEAUTIFUL! SONS!

(I honestly want to shout it out that way, every time I think of it. How many people get TWO such BEAUTIFUL SONS?! To me, it feels like an amazing, rare, precious gift. Because it is.)

So I'm working on the sadness, trying to let it/help it ease and drift away so I can put my whole focus on the happiness.

And I am trying to let go of my expectations. Because they feel increasingly irrelevant in this blessed, sometimes random life of mine. I can't foresee what will happen. I'm just trying to shift how I deal with it, come what may.